Wandering The In-between
I had quite a time deciding what the name of this blog should be. What is my brand? Who am I? What am I about ? How do I relate to others? Who is my audience? Does it all have to be so commercial?
I'm not really a black and white - modern aesthetic, not really a moody or beachy or beige tone chick, but not really a preppy or colorful type either... maybe more earthy ? Goblincore? Forest witch? Fire goddess? Maiden of the sky? Creature of the swamp? Not sure that’s going to sell … does it really matter? Do I really want the purpose of creating to be future profit? But new hobbies do cost money …
Maybe I’m Something in the middle. Can we ever really be defined as just one thing?
The truth is I’ve never felt like I fit in most places. In high school I wasn't preppy or a “good girl,” neither was I punk or “cool” of even rebellious. I was an athletic, artistic, fantasy-novel reading, honor-roll loner who wandered between social groups, never quite feeling at home in any of them.
This pattern continued into college, I worked and studied and had roommates who were friends, but didn’t go party with any of my college peers. I opted instead to join the “adults” at salsa socials and off-campus pick up volleyball. I dated toxic men who were well outside of their college years. I honestly just wanted to get out of the world of tests and homework
In my 20s I wanted to escape, but needed to make money and only finally found a job post college through my mom. Not knowing what other direction to go, not being brave enough to really branch out, I started my career in the corporate world - just following along because I didn't have any other ideas. I wanted to move out of state, but couldn’t get anyone to hire me so I stayed. The veil settling into place between my real self and my work self without my even realizing.
Eventually I bought a house because it made more financial sense to own rather than rent. I figured even if I moved, the same existential questions would follow me, I'd just have different scenery. So I lived in-between, never really settling in. I began working on my trauma, trying to figure out who I wanted to be and what was in the way of becoming that person.
Now, into my mid-30s I see that this trend has continued. I work, I come home, I create, I spend a bit too much money and drink a bit too much wine. And none of it really feels like “home.” Something inside needs to be let out. I have a job that doesn't inspire me, a house with more space than I need filled with “things” I’ve collected to distract me from the disconnect I'm feeling.
I've gone back to school seeking more direction and hoping for new doors. And now I’m trying out side-hustles (and starting this blog) hoping to gain a bit more freedom from the 9-5. I’ve reached the age where it’s all about dating to find a husband because my clock is ticking while my boyfriend and I ponder whether or not we really want to have kids at all. Part of me just wants the sand to run out so at least I don’t have to think about that option anymore, after all I’m considered “geriatric” by OB standards anyways ...
Most of my friends are either married with kids (and have more-or-less lost & found themselves in motherhood) or divorced/ single/ dating-ish and not sure what’s going to happen next. I don't fit in with the mom club and yet the bar scene isn't for me anymore either. I don't know what to do with my evenings anymore and so I create, workout and do yard work while sipping on zero-beers, pondering my next “gramma” hobby.
I’m working through my trauma one relationship at a time. Unmarried, no children, no previous marriage. Maybe I’ve played it too safe, but I guess I’m just here, still figuring out where I fit into all of this and whether the traditional path really suits me at all. I find myself of two (ok a few) minds, maybe yes, maybe no, maybe something altogether different.
So here I am, wandering the in-between. Exploring and embracing whatever suits me, no longer worrying about fitting anywhere but instead carving out my own space in the world.
I’m taking the liminal spaces life provides and cultivating something beautiful from it all, building a life out of it. I’m writing and creating in order to discover myself and my connection to the world around me. I am finding my edges and my limits to help to define myself. I’m digging up my roots, clearing off the decay and planting myself anew. I am becoming whoever the fuck I please.
I’ve decided my purpose here is just to experience what life offers, to experience my humanity both comfortable and uncomfortable, to build a self out of it, build a life out of it. I’m here discovering my edges, discovering my center, discovering everything in-between. I am making something delicious out of this existence.
Thus far I’ve come to a few conclusions:
Life is inherently liminal. We live, cycles within cycles.
The creative process is also inherently liminal - a portal between what was and what will be. A place of destruction and discovery.
There is mystery, magic and potent energy found in the in-between just waiting to be spun into gold.
Through the act of creating we orchestrate our own becoming. Creation itself is a process of self-discovery, self-witnessing, self-creating.
It’s not about being “good,” it's about what you discover along the way.
By witnessing each other and letting ourselves be witnessed we are co-creating our lives.
Both Love and Chaos are necessary parts of life and the creative process.
The more deeply I connect with spirit and nature, the more deeply I connect with myself and vise versa
Creating, therefore, is one of the ways to connect more deeply with not only myself, but with the primal energy that is spirit and that is nature.
With many more tenuous theories and discoveries to come, I’m sure.
This offering is a series of essays, poems and works of art pondering, discovering and creating my life thus far and the not so “polished” conclusions I am still coming to. Pondering what I've created and the meaning I find in my creations even after the fact. It’s an active sounding board between the ether, my mind, the paper and whoever (if anyone) reads this. I am Cultivating and discovering my connection to spirit, nature and the world around me through words, art and crafting. I’m asking myself uncomfortable questions, I am unearthing what has been, unraveling it and weaving myself anew with love and intention. I am letting myself be witnessed. I am neither here nor “there,” but somewhere wandering between who I was and who I am becoming.
Hello, my name is Marijke.
